A week ago, I thought my next post here would be something of a success story about a girl who — despite everything she’s been through — managed to fulfil her dream.
Something that would inspire the lot of you, something that would merit enough likes on LinkedIn and something that would take her thousands of miles from this wretched place she called home.
Something that’s definitely not ordinary.
Oh shit.
The recent LPDP scholarship announcement was wildly a humbling experience for me. I thought I had something. I thought people were honest when they said I hadn’t lived up to my potential. I thought they meant I had enough potential that could light up the entire room.
Now I have my suspicions that most are just being nice if not courteous.
I was too proud. I thought I was better than others. I thought I was just biding my time.
As it turned out, I was scared. I was scared that my parents’ words — that I was a disappointment, that I only brought them shame — were true.
“And then I realized how many stupid times a day I used the word “I”. In fact, probably all I ever do is think about myself. And how lame is that when there’s, like, 7 billion other people out there on the planet…,” — Amelia Mignonette Thermopolis Renaldi, Princess of Genovia, “The Princess Diaries” (2001)
I sincerely congratulate those who received their LPDP scholarship today. They must’ve battled their demons and won.
I know my fault is that I’m seeing the scholarship as a way out when it shouldn't be that way. I know I should do this for myself [and my country], not for my parent’s recognition, not for one’s own glory. I’m lost and I’m at the end of my rope.
“And with the dawn, what comes then? When it’s clear that everything will never be the same again? Then I’ll make the choice to hear that voice and do the next right thing,” — Princess Anna of Arendelle, “Frozen II” (2019)
There’s nothing left to prove.
I am what I am. Even if I’m just an ordinary nobody, so what? Maybe the reason I found solace in Suits’ first season was because I know Mike Ross didn’t need a degree to be whatever awesome he is.
